I am no longer a virgin and I feel bad, what should I do?

I am 16 and I had sex with my boyfriend. I am not a virgin now and I don’t feel good, what should i do?

There are three types of things you should do now.  These are about:

  1. Medical issues
  2. Your values
  3. Your psychological well being

See your doctor to have a check for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and for pregnancy. You should also discuss birth control and prevention of STDs with your doctor or school nurse. Do this now!

The second issue is to think about what you want to do about sex in the future and why. Were you curious and wanted to see what it was all about? That doesn’t mean you must continue.   Was it because everyone else was having sex?  Social pressure confuses decisions about sex.  Why did you have sex with this person?  Were you pressured?  Were you afraid of losing this relationship?  Were you in love and has that changed?  You have to figure out for yourself if and when you want to have sex in a relationship.

Sex is too important to do it for the wrong reason. What is the right reason for you?  Think about it carefully.  You may want to talk to a trusted adult or your friends about what is a good reason to have sex. If you have an older sister, or a mother, or a teacher or nurse that will treat you kindly, then talk to them. Whatever anyone else thinks, you have to decide what is best for you.

The last issue is how you feel. Why do you feel bad?  Do you feel guilty or ashamed?  Do you feel angry?  Do you feel depressed?  What are you saying to yourself to make you feel this way?  Think about it. Think about ways of talking to yourself that will be helpful.

If you are saying:

  • “I am a bad person because I had sex”  try saying “I made a mistake and I will learn from it”
  • “I am stupid because I did something I didn’t want to do” try saying “I did a stupid thing, but I am not stupid”
  • “Sex is dirty and I am dirty” try saying “Sex is normal and healthy, I am a good person”
  • “I am no good because I am horny”  try saying “It is normal to be horny, and I can decide what I do about it”

Good people do make mistakes. Forgive yourself if you have done something that does not fit your values or makes you feel bad about yourself.

Having sex at 16 is not a good idea from a health perspective, but it is not terrible or something you should feel very badly about in itself. You can protect yourself medically, follow your values and be strong psychologically.

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