My four-year-old daughter does not listen at home. Outside of the home (at preschool and extracurricular activities) she is an average four-year-old, listening most of the time. However when she is home with mom, dad, or grandparents she has a much more difficult time. If she is asked not to do something, she often does it anyway. We will give her warnings like “If you do that again…” and she will do it again. We are very consistent with rules and discipline in our home, but feel like it is a constant struggle with her. We have tried time outs, reward charts, taking things away and nothing seems to be working. I am home all day with my children and feel like my patience level is not where it needs to be to be the best mother I can be.
You have a big advantage. You know that your daughter can learn how to respond. It seems that you are doing most things right. A major issue is to help her feel that she wants to obey at home.
I would suggest that you continue to use the strategies you have used in the past namely being consistent, using reward charts.
There are three things that you should add in:
- Notice her good behaviour. Your positives should be 4-5 times more common than any negatives.
- Reduce the struggle by determining what is a priority to say no to and what is not. Ignore minor misbehaviour. Only deal with important issues.
- Take emotion out of your discipline. Don’t get angry, just matter of factly insist on behaviour.
It is also important for you to get a break. Make sure you have some time away from your daughter to do things for yourself. Ensure you do fun things with her as well. Finally, be gentle with yourself. Even if you are having a tough time, I am sure you are a good mom.
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HI, I have a four year old boy who is driving me crazy. He doesn’t listen, he backtalks. His behaviour at home is opposite than how he behaves in preschool. His teachers say that he is wonderful, and well behaved. His sitters have say the same thing. I feel like he doesn’t care about getting in trouble, no matter how many times I tell him that what he is doing is wrong, it seems he doesn’t understand what I am saying. We have tried timeouts, we have take toys away, I am to the piont I don’t know what to do or where to turn. We never had any issues with his sister like this and she is 8, she was always well behaved no matter where we were, at home or outside the home. I would love some advice.
The first point is that you have raised a child who behaves at school and with others. That is an indication that you have done a great job. You have taught him how to behave well. By accident though, you may have encouraged him to disobey you. It probably feels like a conspiracy against you. But it isn’t.
Punishment will not help him listen. You have shown that. Use a positive approach. Notice good behaviour. He needs at least five times as much positive as negative attention. So, pay attention to any good behavior. Ignore his backtalk by turning away. Try three weeks of consistent ignoring his misbehaviour and paying attention to what he is doing well. You should then begin to see a change.