I have a twin sister who is married to a man I cannot get along with.

I have a twin sister who is married to a man I cannot get along with. We clash strongly personality-wise. I was strongly opposed to their engagement and marriage, because I did not feel that he treated her with consideration or respect, and they had been dating for less then a year (about 5 months). He was pushing for them to get married right away, they waited about a year only because my parents pleaded with them. Also she left a really nice boyfriend to be with this guy, so I think she may have been cheating on the nice guy. They have been married for three years now. Since their marriage, I was rude to him and his parents on numerous occasions (after his mother was rude to me first). I was no longer invited to family events where he and his family would be. My sister refused to even have coffee with me without him there too. Truthfully, this guy scares me and it creeps me out to even hear his voice. His parents scare me too, they love to sue people for the slightest thing to get money and I just don’t trust them. My sister’s personality has totally changed and she is becoming like them. She has sued two people since she married him, and is really rude and condescending to my family. She used to be very sweet and loving, I worry about her. She is a total doormat to her husband and his parents, and she always puts him over herself. I worry about psychological abuse in their relationship. I really don’t want to have a relationship with her husband and his family. But she basically won’t have a relationship with me without that. And my family, who have always maintained good relations with her husband and his parents, still get treated like crap by her. I really miss my sister, but I cant stand the way she treats me, or my family. I guess I miss who she was before she started dating him. Sometimes I think I should just give up on my relationship with her, and other times I think I should keep trying. It really makes me physically sick when I think about it and I feel so much grief and anger about the whole thing. What would be the healthiest decision for me to make?

There is no perfect answer to your dilemma. Your sister has put a condition on your relationship with her that you find unacceptable.  The two choices you see are:

  1. Go along with your sister’s wishes.
  2. Give up on the relationship.

There is a third way. The third way is to try to build a limited relationship that both of you can accept. Perhaps you may have to start with an email/telephone relationship.  Focus on positive things. Don’t criticize her or her husband and his family. Eventually, you may be able to have a limited face-to-face relationship with her but it will always be a challenge if you don’t want to include her husband and his family.

It will be important that you drop the anger and hurt. If you continue to be consumed with grief and anger, no relationship will be possible. As well, eventually your anger will make you bitter and twisted. It is unfortunate but it is what it is.

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