My daughter is out of control and I don’t know what to do.

Posted on November 8, 2011 by Dr. Pat

My eleven-year-old daughter has some serious problems and I need some help figuring out how to get her some help to find out what the actual issue is. She consistently breaks rules, is defiant, hostile and aggressive to siblings, parents, peers, has no respect for authority figures, swears, fights physically with people, misses school…please help, she is out of control and we don’t know what to do about it.

Yes, she has a serious problem. You need to have her seen in a mental health clinic. I cannot diagnose her but these problems are common in children with Conduct Disorder. Contact her doctor to get a referral or call the local mental health clinic referral number. Her school may be able to help.

In the meantime, you might try to focus on some areas of her strengths.  I would encourage you to find areas of her behaviour that you can be positive about.

You will have to maintain firm discipline as well. Even though she is frustrating, try to stay calm and avoid harsh emotional discipline e.g., yelling at her or punishments that last for weeks.

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Is watching TV detrimental to my son’s development?

Posted on October 20, 2011 by Dr. Pat

My son is 6 months old and is already taking an interest in TV, which I have heard is not so healthy for brain development. If I use educational videos and age appropriate shows is it okay to allow him a reasonable amount of time each day or week watching it without it being detrimental to his development later on?

It is normal for your son to have this interest. Most kids do. You are right to be concerned about time spent in front of a TV. Educational videos and age appropriate shows are better than other types of television but the real issue is screen time. The problem with screen time is that it is engaging but totally passive, it doesn’t interact with the child at all. Until two years of age, infants cannot make sense of even the best of children’s programming. After age two the advice of pediatric societies is to limit screen time to one hour a day with young children.

But sometimes you may need a break and may use the TV as a “babysitter”. A very limited amount of screen time that keeps you sane is not going to harm your child.

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When can we turn the car seat to front facing?

Posted on October 6, 2011 by Dr. Pat

How much does your child have to weigh and how tall should they be when you can turn the car seat to front facing?

The law varies slightly by province. An internet search for “car seat law” and your province should get you to a government site with the useful information.

In Nova Scotia, for example, the law is:

Rear-Facing Car Seat

Infants must be secured in a rear-facing seat until at least one year old and 10 kg (22 lb).

Forward Facing Car Seat

A child must be at least one year and 10 kg (22 lb) before he/she can be placed in a forward facing seat. A child must remain in a forward facing seat until they are a minimum of 18 kg (40 lb).

Booster Seat

A child must be a minimum of 18 kg (40 lb) before they can move to a booster seat. The child stays in the booster seat until they meet one of the following criteria:

  • height of 145 cm (4 feet 9 inches)
  • nine years old

Seat Belt

According to the law, a child can use an adult seat belt when they are either nine years old or 145 cm (4 feet 9 inches) tall.

Taken from the IWK Child Safety Link

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How can I get help for my son with ADD/ADHD?

Posted on October 5, 2011 by Dr. Pat

I have a twelve-year-old son who was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD four years ago. He has violent temper tantrums and trashes his room or whatever is around him when he does not get his own way.  When he is in school, we get 2-3 e-mails a day letting us know of his bad behaviour. When he is at home, he can be very rude to us and to his sister. It is a constant fight to get him to take his medications. He is very active, he is in a summer paddling program and plays hockey in spring and fall, he loves both of these sports and we encourage it. I dont know what to do, I hate to hear negative things about my son, I am hurt, I am afraid that he will get too violent with me or himself and hurt someone. I talk to him in a calm manner, I dont argue with him and I listen to him, my husband seems to push his buttons, he will give him the discipline, and when he loses his privilidges, it is for a longer time than I would give. We are both at odds on how to handle it, my husband is “old school” thinking a kick in the butt or firm hand will take care of it but I don’t think it will, it has not so far. I feel that the schools are not prepared to take care of kids with ADD/ADHD. I have done research online, I have sought out many Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Doctors, Social workers, etc. I don’t know what to do, I am so exhausted. I love my son, we both do, we are willing to do anything, please, is there anything we can do?

It sounds to me that you are doing many things exactly right. You have sought out professional help for your son. You have him in lots of extra curricular activities. You are positive and hopeful.

He clearly needs more help than he is getting.

Speak to your family doctor about day treatment programs that are designed for children like your son.  Maybe you will need to get your member of the provincial legislature involved to help push for the right care.

As you know, a firm but calm approach that is mostly positive is best for kids like your son. Pick out what your husband is doing well with his son and focus on that. It is very easy for parents of children with problems to become overly negative.

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What can I do about my daughter masturbating?

Posted on September 28, 2011 by Dr. Pat

My seven-year-old daughter has started being very honest all of a sudden. She has told me all about masturbating, which I realize is quite natural, but she has also told me her method, which is over the corners of tables and chairs. She used to do this when she was 18 months old but at that time I didn’t realize it was masturbation. She is soon turning eight and continues to tell me each and every time she does it. For now I have just told her it’s not right to do it in front of anyone. I don’t know what to do with her, she has never been molested and in a friendly way I have also asked her if somebody has tried to tuch her private parts, she told me never.

You are taking the right approach. Make it very clear that masturbating in public places is very bad manners. Don’t make a big fuss of it. Don’t talk about it much. Just be firm and clear.

You can say “Thanks for being honest. It is rude to do this except in your bedroom in private.”

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My step sons’ mother is trying to turn them against their father and me.

Posted on September 27, 2011 by Dr. Pat

I have a huge concern and not sure what effect it is having on my two wonderful step sons – ages 13 and 9. We have shared custody – no primary household.  My husband fought for this and the papers were signed. We have been together for six years. During this time, the mom has been constantly saying things to the boys to turn them against their dad and me.

The boys make these kinds of comments and it worries me:

  • mom calls you stupid all the time
  • mom won’t let me take anything from her house to this house because she wants us to come live there all the time
  • mom says dads are not important and that we don’t belong with dad because moms are important
  • mom said dad left her for you and that you were the other woman
  • mom hates you because she said you want to be our mom
  • mom makes me show her what underwear I’m wearing before I come to dads and if I am wearing a pair that she bought, she make me take them off
  • mom wants to know what I’m doing all the time. She texts me and gets really mad at me if I don’t tell her
  • mom doesn’t want me calling or emailing dad when we are on vacation with her

I thought of getting a lawyer and taking her to court to get her to stop, but I don’t want to hurt the boys. To be honest, I am letting her get to me and its hard not to.  I’m worried about the boys and I’m worried about me.  I don’t know if this is emotional abuse and if I have any way of dealing with it – or if my husband  has any legal rights.  We have all the nasty emails from her.  We have never put the boys in the position of being in the middle. We have not said one negative comment to them about her.  I think the older son is starting to see it but he is still a kid. Any suggestion as to what I can say to her or to the boys so that they know we care?

This is a very difficult situation. It is emotional abuse. You and your step sons  have handled it well.

There are some things you should consider:

  1. Consult with a lawyer to discuss the options. You are in a difficult position because you rightly don’t want the children caught in the middle.
  2. Discuss the situation with the kids. You and your husband could tell them: you recognize that their mom tells stories about you; you know it may be difficult for them; you will not say hostile things about their mother because that would put them in a difficult position; you love them dearly and always will.
  3. Don’t let her get to you. The more you stay calm, the better it is for your kids. You don’t have to give her control of your feelings.
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My teenage daughter is drinking excessively and becoming reckless.

Posted on September 21, 2011 by Dr. Pat

My teenage daughter is becoming reckless, drinking on an almost daily basis and not working or going to school. She is 18 so I don’t even know where to go for help.

At her age, your daughter is an adult who is responsible for her own decisions. However, you may be able to change what you do to help her.

Please find a trusted advisor for yourself. It could be a minister or priest, it could be your doctor, it might be a friend.

Work out a plan as to how you can help your daughter. You have identified two important issues: her drinking and her lack of doing anything constructive.

Your plan may include how you can influence her to get some counselling, to go back to school, or work to reduce her drinking.

It is not clear how much influence or control you have. If she is living with you or if you are giving her money you must influence her. No one should be supported to waste time and drink.

Whatever plan you develop, insure that you work with her strengths as well as help her overcome her weaknesses.

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My daughter shakes a lot and has trouble understanding questions, should I be worried?

Posted on September 20, 2011 by Dr. Pat

My four-year-old daughter shakes all the time (mostly hands) when she wakes up or is doing something (eating, drinking, etc). She also has problems comprehending when you are asking her questions, it’s like she doesn’t understand what you are asking, no matter how many ways you ask her. She does have problems with her ears, she had tubes at six months, hearing tests have come back OK, she also has a lazy eye which she now wears glasses to help correct. She is also very shy and does not like to be away from home, am i just a worrier or could there be something wrong?

You are absolutely right to worry. You should make an appointment to discuss these issues with your family doctor. He or she can refer you to a pediatrician or specialist clinic. Be persistent. Your daughter needs a comprehensive assessment and perhaps some treatment.

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How can I help my son deal with his Tourette’s?

Posted on September 19, 2011 by Dr. Pat

My ten-year-old son has Tourette Syndrome, his tics involve his large muscles making jerking movements. How can we help him deal with comments from his peer group? Can you recommend some resourses for his age to help him understand his condition?

Tourette Syndrome is a neurological disorder of unknown cause. People with Tourette Syndrome have motor or vocal tics.  The tics can be small or quite large. The vocal tics are often like a bark. Sometimes the vocal tics are curses or swear words.  The  outbursts can sometimes be delayed for a minute or so, but are uncontrollable.

Tourette Syndrome Foundation of Canada has many resources for families. There is a program for youth that may be helpful for your son.

Most comments from other kids are because they do not understand what is happening.
You can do a lot to help your son.

  1. Contact his teacher to educate him or her about Tourette Syndrome.
  2. The school may be able to have some education for teachers or the kids in the school.
  3. Teach your son about Tourette Syndrome so he can explain what it is and what it is not.

Bullies will use any excuse to pick on another child. Bullies are best dealt with by a combination of ignoring and confidence. His best strategy will be to confidently go ahead with any and all activities. His school should be expected to take firm action in response to any bullying.

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My daughter is lying, stealing and threatening to hurt herself.

Posted on September 16, 2011 by Dr. Pat

My daughter is twelve, I adopted her when she was nine. Currently she is stealing, lying and being very disrespectful. We have really good chats about things but she continues the behaviors. She is seeing a psychologist, but I’m not seeing much progress. When she gets angry at herself for doing something she shouldn’t have and getting caught she says she doesn’t want to live anymore. I generally ignore this as she just says it in anger to try to get me to react (which I don’t). This last episode she stole a knife from the kitchen and hid it in her room. When I found the knife she said she took it because she was mad and was going to commit suicide but then she told me she wouldn’t do that, she just said it because she was angry. This is a new development and I’m really not sure how to handle this one. Any suggestions?

You are handling this challenging situation very well. I would suggest that you:

  1. Alert her psychologist about the incident.
  2. Put sharp knives in a safe place where she cannot get one.
  3. Regularly check her room and her school bag to make sure she is not carrying a dangerous weapon.

Keep up the warm, supportive approach that doesn’t give a lot of attention to minor misbehaviour.  Be firm about serious misbehaviour.

I would discuss her progress with her psychologist.  Raise the question of whether or not another approach would be best.

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